20 Ways to Support Someone Who is Grieving: Kenyan Version
Do you know of someone who has lost a family member, or a dear friend and you want to support them but don’t know how? Unfortunately, because of my experience attending to deaths in my family in Kenya in recent years, I thought you would appreciate learning the Kenyan way of supporting those who are grieving. You’ll find 20 ways to support someone who is grieving. Some of these can be applied to anyone who is grieving when they need you most.
I chose to write this on my website because I want to normalize talking about grief. Often, we are taught to suppress our hurt feelings and hide them in the name of bravery. Burying our feelings doesn’t help us heal. Hurt feelings often show up in other areas of our lives in negative ways. I hope that you or someone you know and care about will find this helpful.
If you haven’t lost a dear friend or family member, count yourself blessed. You still have time to treasure them. But if you have, you may or may not have been involved in the logistical planning that needs to happen for a successful burial supported by your friends or family. Several years ago, I was involved in my father’s burial in Kenya.
My extended family: uncles, aunties, cousins, neighbors and friends played a huge role in making this dark day in my life less chaotic. Or at least as smooth as you would want a burial to be. I was shielded from knowing all the minor details of what needed to happen and didn’t realize it until recently when I attended my auntie’s burial.
My uncle had played a huge role during my dad’s burial and I felt obligated to do the same, at least my kidogo (small) portion. I didn’t know how much is required to plan beforehand. I think most of us have been shielded from this, at least if you are 30ish or younger.
I now realize there is more to do than just showing up on the day of the funeral. Many tasks and responsibilities need to be taken care of during mashakaya (days leading to the burial) and on the burial day itself.
So here are 20 Ways to support someone who is grieving: A Kenyan approach
- Show Up for Them.
The first and most important thing is showing up. If it’s humanly possible, literally show up at their doorstep. This may seem like a minor detail, maybe a justifiable inconvenience. Often, I have heard people say, “but what if they just want to be left alone?” Sometimes, this is true, but when the news first breaks, the individuals need to know they are not alone. The last thing they want are multiple phone calls. You can help by picking them up from work; taking them to the airport, or bringing them food. Anything to make their life during this most stressful period less chaotic. And don’t worry, if they need space, most of them will tell you.
But Irine, what if I am unable to physically show up for them, what can I do? In most cases, financial concerns are secondary, emotional needs for support come first. And you can do this while you are across the world. But, if you absolutely can’t travel to be with the grieving persons, you can still support them.
- Send them an email or a hand written card/ letter. Some people might hesitate accepting money or any financial assistant, so this would be one of the best ways to support them.
- Contribute to possible funeral/travel expenses
- Make hotel accommodations for them if they need to travel.
- Make airport taxi transfer arrangements for them, or better yet, have a friend pick them up.
They will always remember you for your kind gestures and sensitive awareness of their needs and feelings. If you can be physically present for them, great. Here is a list of things you can bring and do when you attend a funeral of a beloved one.
Things to do and bring the day before the burial and the day of the burial
Let me start by addressing what one should put away or left in the car. Kindly put your phone away and engage with people around you. I get it, we all have other responsibilities in life but for those 24-48 hours you are with your family, courtesy demands you limit your phone use. Everything CAN wait! Be present and I don’t mean just physically.
- Bring Mandazi if you live close to a bakery (hoteli ya maandazi) instead of bread.
- Bring Arrow Roots and Sweet Potatoes. They make for even a more filling breakfast.
- Bring a watermelon and have it sliced later for the immediate family. Again, they need more nurturing. That’s why you are here. To support them during this difficult time: it can be financial, emotional, physical and even nutrition.
Tasks-to-Do
- Prepare roasted corn/maize (mahindi choma) to keep everyone awake as you small talk and catch up (this is for the day leading up to the burial). Then on the day of the burial, do the following.
- Prepare early morning breakfast for the immediate family members who stayed the night before the burial (some aunties are getting too old for waking up at 5 a.m. to get this started.
- Serve Breakfast and clean up the dishes. Don’t just sit and expect the others to do everything as they are also mentally tired.
- If you have “kitchen privileges” sneak in a cup of milk and give it to the widower/widow and if possible, the immediate family in loss. It’s going to be a long day for them so cater to their nutrition and make sure they eat.
- After everyone has left the house, mop and arrange the living room. This task can be dedicated to a trusted family who is usually given ‘house access.’
- Pick up the trash in the compound. No one likes seeing trash.
- Clean the toilet/washrooms or delegate someone to be in charge of this task.
- For convenience, cost, and cleanliness: pre-roll the toilet paper and set the basket outside the toilets for easy “grab & go.”
- Help set up the tent or chairs. Most importantly, be sure the seats are wiped down. Otherwise, clothes will be stained or have a big smear of dirt or dust.
- Serve the older folks in your family food and wash their hands with soap and water.
- Take pictures with the entire family. Despite the reasons for this visit/travel, you will probably not see each other again for a long time. So, forgive and be kind to yourself if are feeling guilty for those “happy moments” during the burial. It’s OK to be happy to see your family and to feel sad, too.
- Lastly, remember, everyone suffers in a different way and shows their feelings differently. Respect that. If one processes their emotions with yelling, tears or with silence, respect that. Often, a kind gentle hand on someone’s shoulder is enough and all that one needs. However, others might be OK with a hug, others just want silence and that’s OK, too.
And that is my list of 20 ways to support someone who is grieving as practiced in Kenya. I would like to hear from you, please share in the comment section, ways that you have found to be helpful in supporting someone who is grieving.
If you looking to travel to the USA from Kenya during the Covid Pandemic check out my blog post on this by clicking here, my experience flying from Kenya to the USA during the Covid-19 Pandemic.
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